Jesus Take the Wheel

I heard 'Jesus Takes the Wheel' by Carrie Underwood this morning on the way back home from taking Eli to school.  And that is exactly where I'm at this week.  I've lost total control of my world, and find myself relying on God for everything.  Most of the time I rely on Him anyway, but because of being a flawed human, I sometimes think I can control some things. Then "reality" strikes, and reminds me that I'm really never in control of anything.

I've often wondered if I was really strong enough for all the challenges we have faced, and seem to keep facing.    In 2007 I had an early miscarriage, and it crushed me. I had severe depression and didn't want to live with the pain. I cried everyday, screamed and yelled, why would God do this to me!!!  Years later, I got my answer.  Several people I'm very close to suffered miscarriages, and I was there to offer my support, and they knew they were not alone in their pain.

March 9, 2011, Eli at 2 years, 10 months old was diagnosed with Autism.  Again I was crushed.  This time, I was angry with God. Angry he would inflict an incurable neurological disorder on an innocent child. I was angry because He had the wrong parents. I was not strong enough to handle this. I can't do it! Well... I guess I was wrong again.  Once Eli started school and getting the exact help he needed to thrive again, I came out of a milder depression. As it turns out... I am pretty strong.

March 2012, five months into speech therapy, Noah (22 months), was diagnosed with a sensory disorder and CAS (childhood apraxia of speech). This did not crush me.  I'm stronger.  I accepted it and began looking for the help he needs. This is all still very new...I can't really give updates just yet. He's very far behind in his communication, and he gets frustrated when he really wants to tell me something but not able to say any of the words he needs to.  I try everyday to teach sign language so he can use his hands to talk to me, but he refuses.

And now, April 2012, brings yet another challenge.  Eli's had 4 episodes in 2 days that his pediatrician believes were seizures. Sunday's random blank stare and not responding to his name being called. And 3x on Monday having difficulty speaking, studdering, and putting words together in an order that did not make any sense, with fatigue before and after the 'episodes'.  His pedi wants an EEG done this week, and I've been trying my hardest to get that going. The radiologist are really taking their time responding with a date/time. If anything at all shows up on the EEG, Eli's pedi is calling the neurologist to get him an appointment quickly.

So, as I said at the start of this blog, I feel like I've lost control of my world. I have no control over what is happening in Eli's brain. I can't protect him from another possible seizure. I can't predict when it will happen again, IF it will happen again. I don't know what effects, if any, these are having on his brain. All I can do is pray, and wait for the medical professionals to tell me what is going on.  Jesus Take the Wheel really just fits this week. I'm free falling (another great song! lol) and I've no choice but to trust God is going to see us thru yet another challenge, and come out better and stronger in the end.