Birth
Stories
Part II –
Go Green
After my D&C, I had 1 cycle without
ovulation. I viewed it as nature’s way of protecting my body from pregnancy it
was not yet ready to sustain. Seven long weeks later, I began a new cycle and I
was so ready to start trying again. I prayed we would be successful on the
first ‘month’ trying again, fearful such luck wouldn't happen twice tho.
In the days leading up to my positive
HPT, I started to feel like I could be pregnant again. I started to get my
hopes up that this hell I was living could be over. But scared to death my gut
feelings were wrong and I would ultimately fall into complete insanity, or
truly die from my broken heart. But on
the morning of August 30th, I saw TWO lines on the pregnancy test.
PREGNANT!! Thank you God!! For the first time in over 3 months, I felt a reason
for living. I felt there was hope after all. Danny was hesitant to celebrate
just yet. He said, “The 2nd line looks too light. Maybe you should
take another test to be sure.” Haha! So
happily to oblige, I tested again the next morning and showed him yet another
positive test, this one with slightly darker second
line. J
My first ultrasound was VERY early, as I
was very fearful of another miscarriage and my doctor was concerned as well. Walking
into the office waiting room I felt so nervous. The room seemed to start
spinning and I thought I was going to pass out from anxiety. Thankfully, it was
a good ultrasound, too early to see the heartbeat, but there was a good yolk
sac. The tech (a new tech, the other was probably fired) told us to come back
in one week and we should be able to see a heartbeat by then. So we did, and
came in when I was still only 6 weeks along. There was a heartbeat!! Relief.
Joy. Finally, my dream of being a mother was starting to become a reality. Due
date, May 13, 2008. What a blessing! I was to be a mother almost on the
anniversary of knowing my angel was gone. And an early birthday present. And a
mother’s day present. What an amazing time of year to have my first born!
The very next day was my last day
working this pregnancy for many months to come. I was sick! VERY SICK! I was
put on meds to help lessen the severity of it, but it really didn't help
enough. I still threw up several times every single day for several months. It
was a nightmare! I spent nearly all day, every day on bed rest because I felt
too ill to do anything or go anywhere. This ended up causing me to go into
depression and still having anxiety from fear of a sudden miscarriage.
I never did get treatment or properly
heal from the devastation of miscarriage, which that anxiety crept over into my
next pregnancy. Add horrible morning sickness to the mix, and my mind was not
right! I was no longer a happily expectant mother-to-be. I wanted the baby OUT.
I did not want to be pregnant. I avoided
baby talk, refused to baby shop or think of baby names. I tried to hide my
belly so strangers and well-wishers wouldn't bring it up as if it were a good,
happy thing. I was not happy. And why be happy anyway when something horrible
and unexpected could happen to this baby? Why love and dream about this baby
when it could just die on me? Yep, that
was my mentality. Sad. I needed help real help.
But that comes later…
First, there were some very happy
moments when I wasn't throwing up. The whole pregnancy was not all bad. There
were in fact highlights! Like when I
heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
I was 1 day shy of 11 weeks and I went in for yet another ultrasound. I
had many this pregnancy because of my paranoia something was going to go wrong.
When I heard the heartbeat, tears flowed uncontrollably! I cried tears of joy,
so hard! I couldn’t hold it in. It was the greatest sound I had ever heard!
At 17 weeks I went to the bathroom and
found some blood. It wasn't a lot, but was bright and definitely blood! I ran
out of the bathroom and told Danny, and then proceeded to have my first ever
panic attack. Breathing was extremely rapid and shallow and I had no control
over it. I was crying and so upset and scared. Danny appeared scared as well,
trying to calm me down so I could breathe. It took what felt like forever for
my breathing to return normal. Once I felt I had control and could stop crying,
I called the on-call doctor. They didn't have much information to offer me.
They just told me whatever happens at this stage of pregnancy is going to
happen and there is nothing they can do.
I could go to the ER for ultrasound, or wait until morning for an
ultrasound at the OB office to make sure all was okay. I opted to wait until morning. After all,
they said nothing could be done either way, and figured a good night sleep was
better than going to the ER in the middle of the night.
The next morning I was up and ready
early, anxious to see my baby and make sure all was okay. The ultrasound tech
asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. We weren't expecting this,
but YES! Deep down, I KNEW baby was a girl. I had dreams of girls, and I just
KNEW it. When the tech said, “It’s a
boy!” I was floored! VERY happy, but very shocked! I had always wanted to have
a boy as my first, this was so cool! And of course, everything was just
perfect. No problems anywhere. What I experienced was just random
spotting. Swew!
Fast forward to week 29. During this
week I scheduled a consultation to my NP at my OB office to confess my dark
feelings towards ‘the baby’ and the pregnancy. I confessed how severe my
depression was after the miscarriage, and how I was struggling very much to
feel any emotional connect to ‘the baby’ in my stomach. Oh the look on her face when I was honest
about how I felt. She was genuinely concerned for my mental health. We also
discussed the possibility of inducing my labor at 39 weeks IF and ONLY IF I was
naturally progressing towards labor, and if my mental state was still not well.
She prescribed an anti-depressant and
strongly suggested I see a therapist ASAP. So I took her advice…at first. I
tried the meds, but stopped after 4 days because it was making me deathly ill.
I’d rather suffer with my emotions than have those pills make me feel like
death. And I went to ONE therapy session. It was very uncomfortable for me
talking to a complete stranger about my “feelings”. Whatever lady, that’s not
how I roll. But this lady did have some good advice, and I took it and applied
it. It helped! That night I prayed, I’m not sure how much praying I had done
lately as my mind was not right for many, many months by this point. But I
prayed for God to fix what was wrong in my mind. I was not going to rely on
meds, or some lady with a clipboard. God was the great physician, and I put all
my faith in Him. I don’t remember exactly, but it was within a mere 2 days I
was healed, emotionally and mentally healed. I felt happiness again; I felt
feelings towards MY baby, not ‘the baby’ in my stomach. MY BABY! I was ready to
look at baby things in stores, I was ready to think baby shower, I was ready to
think of names and proudly show my large belly without trying to hide. And to
end this amazing God send week, Danny and I picked “Elijah” to be our son’s
name.
The next 10 weeks brought a lot of
excitement! In week 34 I lost my “plug”, in week 35 I started effacing. In week
36 I started dilating. Week 37 I had false labor, which really felt like the
real thing! I was at a hospital (a different one) visiting my mother-in-law who
had just had a heart procedure done. I remember standing outside of her room
with family while nurses tending to mother-in-law privately. I was having dizziness, low back pain, A LOT
of pelvic pressure, and my pants were wet from leaking. It did not lead to
anything, just an uncomfortable evening.
At 38 weeks I was 2.5cm and 70% effaced same for 39. Unfortunately my OB
was getting ready to take a personal leave because he needed shoulder surgery
and was going to be out for 9 weeks. He set me up with a new OB for my 39 week
appointment. I had heard this guy was supposed to be very good, so I had high
hopes our first meeting would go well. IT DID NOT!
When I went in for my appointment to
meet my new doctor, I was surprised he was sooo OLD! Oh my gosh he needed to
retire! By this time, I was extremely
uncomfortable. Having pelvic pressure for the last 2 weeks, severe swelling and
pain in my feet, and swelling everywhere! I was completely miserable! And I
told the doctor, I’m ready to be induced. He REFUSED! I said my doctor and I
had an agreement. If I progressed naturally, he would induce me if my
discomfort was too much. But still, this old geezer refused. He told me he only
induces in true medical emergency or at 41 weeks. WHAT?!!
So on the way home (Danny drove), I
cried and was so angry. I cried out of complete physical misery for hours. When
I finally calmed down, I called and left a LONG, very emotional voice mail with
my nurse. She played the message for my OB, who was still there but only for 1
more day. He remembered our agreement, agreed I had progressed very well
naturally towards labor, and did feel by my sob story voice mail that I was
indeed distressed enough to induce. They called me that afternoon, and told me
to be at the hospital by 7am for induction. WOOHOO!!! I couldn't believe it!! They took pity on me; I was so relieved and
happy! And later found out they had turned another pregnant woman way that was
to be induced so that I could have the last bed available. Wow!
Keep in mind, even with the pain and discomforts the 9th month was giving me, I was STILL dealing with nausea and the occasional throwing up! Hence the 'go green' title. haha
In part III of this blog, we welcome Elijah into our family. :)
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